The Agony of Defeat

I am still here.
I feel like a firecracker whose fuse fizzled out as soon as it was lit.

I am unsure about my abilities,
as a part of me is so afraid to fail.

I am also lazy,
working all day,
no motivation,
knowing that I may not even get to the physical portion.

I hate being a perfectionist.

With this, comes total commitment on my behalf.
And I hate to fail.

How can I get up to speed when I am so behind?

It's like being 6 touchdowns behind at the half against the #1 team in the nation.
How do you come out fighting?

I am so diffused.

Week 5: 40 Days of Lent (it's all about sacrifice)

I'm not sure how I am going to incorporate the 40 days of lent into my life, but because Jesus went through this trial period, fighting temptation, staying strong and true to His Father, I am going to walk a parallel life during the next 40 days.  Whining, pain, self-pity...all that junk will go out the door.

Again, not sure yet how this will look...

I will think about it more and document my lent season during my training period.

Week #5: "MissUnderstood"

Confidential:
Here I am, running on hopeless dreams.
Inside, I feel as if my heart has quit.
Can I really do this job?
I don't know anymore.
I used to believe in myself...
Now, I'm not so sure.
Please, I need something to keep motivated.

Although physically I am not weak, I am not as strong as males generally are.
This puts me at a disadvantage.

(Ooh, lightbulb moment...)

It's a mental game.
I just want to be able to talk to someone who understands me.
Someone who understands how much more I have to work to even get close to being on the same plane as others.
If you are out there, please heed my cry...

Maybe I'll rent the movie Rudy and GI Jane for some internal motivation.

Week #4 and #5: ARGH!!!! Yesterday's bad luck.

Wouldn''t  you know...  I sit here with a sling on my arm due to a car door slamming on my hand!  thankfully its not broken, but, really?
i am still going to walk...just have to wear my sling.
My husband said I can still pull the tire with my left hand, but I'm worried about the throbbing (it's swollen and bruised (thank goodness for advil!).  Just can't close my hand, must elevate it, and can't brush it against anything.

oh well...life goes on...

Week #4 and #5: Simplify for Success

With such a horrible week last week, I decided to make realistic goals so I don't feel defeated and suffer burn-out.  After much contemplation, this is what I am going to do for the next two weeks:

• Wake up at 4:30 and get a good incline walk on my treadmill with the  weight belt on and set a goal of push-ups and sit-ups (3 sets of 20 alternating with no rest periods between).
• Go to work
• Come home and do the 8 minute tae bo work out that I used to do to warm up
• Tire pulls, sledge, and jumps
• limit my studying time (30 minutes)
• go to bed by 9:00

THIS is the difference...

• With regards to the walking, I don't mind waking up and doing this on my treadmill.  I can also catch up on some of the shows that I missed the night before AND perhaps watch youtube lessons on gears and pulleys if I feel inclined :)
• Push ups and sit ups...it just has to be done.
• B/c I never take a lunch, I will use this time to plan my evening lesson so I'm not so aimless.
• Tae bo...i used to love this, and it will build my core and work me into a good sweat.
• THE TIRE...I am going to think of a way for me to attach a skateboard on the bottom of it.  While this may sound stupid, its a way for me to feel like I am doing something without so much effort.  It's a huge tire, and if I can't even pull that darn thing without killing myself, what's the point?  The weight will still give me some resistance, and the slight gradual incline will help as well.  I'm not sure how my husband will take this, but at this point, I'd rather work up to something than fight with tears and defeat without it.
• shower and complete my lesson (30 minutes)
• Sleep!!!

Finally, I feel hopeful. 

Week #3: REALITY BITES!!! COMPLAINING SESSION!!!

This sucks, and I just need to whine like a baby:

• I haven't been able to work out due to prior commitments, therefore feel like crap.
• The tire pull that my husband made me is way too heavy (big rig tire) and the thought of working with it kills my drive.
• I'm tired of waking up so early in the morning (4:00) to get my first work out in, therefore, have been doing my workout AND my studying at night and have been staying up till 11:00.
• I still can't see the connection with the mechanics thing (I HATE IT)!

WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING!!!

I am so behind in the process!  People I know are so much more ahead in this game, and I'm having doubts that I will ever get to where I need to be!  Oh, I didn't tell you the worst part...my husband IS a firefighter, AND A DAMN GOOD ONE, TOO!  Therefore, if i am going to do this (in which I said I was going to) I REALLY need to make a good showing to avoid embarrassment on both our parts!

I need to come up with a better plan.  This week was a complete failure, and i feel like quitting.

Week #1 and #2: Mental and Physical Pain Strikes!

After a week of walking a mile hill with a 30lb weight vest, swinging a sledge hammer on a tire, and attempting to drag that tire for leg strength, my muscles received a rude awakening!  Although I did lose weight (yay, silver lining), it's so draining, especially after working an 8-hour day!

I also started to study through viewing and doing practice tests.  Reading comprehension and math basics are somewhat easy for me, but I'm finding that the greatest challenge is learning about mechanical advantage, gears, levers, and pulleys.  I was a chemistry lover, and did quite well in this area.  However, when it was time for me to take physics in college, I failed miserably!  I studied my a$$ off, only to get as high as a D on tests.  So, to make a long story short, I am failing to make the connection with mechanical lessons...how frustrating!

I have yet to come up with a solid schedule for me to follow. 
The honeymoon and excitement is wearing off, and I feel as if I will hit my first wall soon...

The Planning Process

Now that I've made that decision, I started to look at what the requirements would be to become a FF recruit:

• Written test (must score high to even be considered)
• Physical Agility Test (OMG!!!  THIS IS MY ACHILLES HEEL)
• Interview
• Physical Exam

Looking at my calendar, the written test is on June 23, 2012.  This gives me 4 solid months to wipe the cobwebs off my brain.  Assuming that I pass and score high, I'm assuming that I will have a couple of months to prepare for the physical agility test, something that I'm deathly terrified of.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not scared of hard work...I'm just worried about getting my upper body in shape.  Women are usually not as strong as men, therefore, I have to work so much harder to perform on the same level as the men.  Thankfully, my lower body is strong!

There is always a silver lining in everything that we do, so what is my silver lining?

HAVING A SMART BRAIN AND KILLER 40 YEAR OLD BODY!!!!!

Choosing to attempt to become a female firefighter (I MUST be crazy)...

I still don't know why I decided to even attempt to try to become a firefighter.  To be completely honest, it was one of those things where everything leading up to that moment fell into place, therefore, my husband suggested that I at least give it a shot.  Of course I said yes...why wouldn't I, right?  Well, let me put things into perspective:

• I am a woman
• I have a husband and a child
• Although I have been athletic my entire life, I took a 5-year hiatus from working out, attempting to focus on my full time job, which equates to weight gain and being out of shape
• and the biggest reason...
• I will be turning 40 (although many think I'm much younger, which is a definite compliment!)

However, amidst all these shortcomings, there's something inside of me that feels like I could do it, so I did what any CRAZY, insane person would do...

I put in my application.

I am not sure how far I'll travel upon this road, but I've decided to document my journey.

I can only imagine what this road has in store for me...